“You’re Too Much” and Other Lies We Tell Women Who Excel
when a PIP becomes an awakening
Why 76% of high-performing women get criticized (and what it means for moms)
A recent report from Textio analyzed 23,000 employee reviews across 250 organizations and found a startling disparity: 76% of high‑performing women receive negative feedback from managers, compared with only 2% of high‑performing men.
Think about that: nearly four out of five high-achieving women are told something’s wrong, while almost no men get the same critique.
The Gap Isn’t Just Big—it’s Systemic
76% vs 2%: A massive imbalance in who gets negative reviews .
88% of high-performing women receive personality-focused feedback (e.g. "too aggressive"), compared to just 12% of men
78% of women are labeled “emotional,” versus 11% of men
40% of these women have considered quitting due to the overload of criticism
Why? Because it’s not just about behavior. It’s about how women are perceived when they do behave like leaders.
What Psychology Says: The Double Bind
Decades of research like Eagly & Karau’s Role Congruity Theory demonstrate that women are penalized for stepping outside traditional feminine norms. Assertiveness becomes “bossiness.” Directness becomes “abrasive.” Anger becomes unprofessional.
This “double bind” traps women:
Be warm, and be seen as ineffective.
Be assertive, and be called aggressive or cold.
It spills over everywhere: boardrooms, team meetings - and yes, even motherhood.
You’re either “too much” or “not enough,” but never just right. And the unfair feedback follows you home.
Culture & Community: More Than Personal Feelings
This isn’t just interpersonal. It’s systemic:
Benevolent sexism: seemingly positive labels (“so nurturing”) that keep women relegated to certain roles.
The Matilda effect in academia: women’s contributions erased, credited to men.
Queen bee syndrome: women climbing the ladder by distancing from other women.
All these show how deeply gender bias is woven into our institutions—from the workplace to the nursery.
So what do we do about it?
Here’s what I’m practicing, and what I want you to try with me:
Notice the pattern. When the feedback starts rolling in, pause and ask: Would they say this to a man?
Separate feedback from fear. Sometimes, what people call “constructive” is just code for “you made me uncomfortable.”
Claim your excellence. Out loud. In writing. In how you talk to yourself. Excellence shouldn’t require an apology.
Build spaces where women are safe to shine. (Real Good Mom is my contribution to that.)
And What You Can Do Right Now
This cultural shift starts within—yet also requires collective work. Try this:
Track your feedback: When you receive overly personal criticism, log it. Ask: Would he be told this?
Reclaim intent: Is feedback about your tone or your work? Correct the narrative:
“I appreciate the feedback on tone. I’d also like clarity on the work outcomes.”Find your context: Communities—like Real Good Mom—exist to hold space for you. Use them.
Train managers & peers: Start with curiosity—not blame. "I noticed something needs changing. Can you share what outcome you're seeking?"
Own your leadership: Excellence doesn’t mean less warmth. It means more courage.
What This Means for Moms
When you're navigating early motherhood—navigating identity, decisions, and societal expectations—you deserve better.
You deserve feedback that respects your humanity. That builds you up, not breaks you down.
So yes, you are too much for some—and that’s okay. It just means they’re not ready for the strength you bring.
Join the Shift
If this resonated:
❤️ Like and share with a mom who’s tired of walking on eggshells.
✍️ Comment: Have you been labeled “too much”? What did you do?
🎁 Grab your free guide: Information Overload in Early Motherhood
Let’s build a world where high-performing women—and moms—don’t shrink themselves to fit. They rewrite the rules.
xoxo
Erin Schlozman
